#and new snail accessory... hell yes

[fallenclan]

i hope we are all rocking with the new leafy dividers... gonna try making different ones for each season :)

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[toomanyfandomsorkinafs]

IT’S TIME AGAIN

*child playing dress up with ** *

“Now she/he’s happy!”

“She/he looks dead inside-“

*(child)big smile*

-

“You know what I’ve realized?”

“Some thoughts are better left unsaid?”

“Nice try, anyways-“

-

“I could fix him, but whatever the hell is going on with him is way funnier.”

-

“I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.”

“Mine just says ‘*** no.’”

“I want you to apply it to every possible situation.”

-

“Oh my god! We won!”

“Yeah I know.”

-

“Wait for me you before you go attacking! I can’t heal you if your already dead!”

“I’m sorryyyyyyy”

-

“Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?”

“Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.”

-

“I've never had a student score zero in everything.”

“What do you mean?! I chose the perfect spell for every situation!”

“Well, you answered "fireballs" for every situation.”

“What do you mean, person within fireball distance?”

-

“So you’re dating ***?”

“What? No! I’m just buying him an accessory since he has terrible fashion sense!”

“That’s literally a wedding ring.”

-

“Remember what I told you?”

“Don't be a cunt.”

-

“Darkness!”

“Oh my god. *, could you come in here for a second? **'s acting up again.”

“Hey ya, **, you acting up again?”

“You!”

“Yeah, it's me.”

** looks over to *** then back to *

“You are not the man of the house.”

“... Okay, yeah, that tracks. Alright, sorry honey, nothing I can do.”

“You are useless.”

-

“Bad news, **** locked themself outside of their own house.”

“Good news, we didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.”

“Bad news, *** finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory(TM). I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned it was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute guys/girls/enbies.”

“Good news, a cute guy/girl/enby saw me do it.”

“Bad news, it was **, and since they’ve already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, they’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. They know.”

-

“Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?”

“If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.”

-

“Hi, I’m ** and I like burning things! You look flammable.”

-

“Some people eat snails.”

“They must not like fast food.”

-

“*** won’t wake up, what do I do?”

“Did you try kicking him?”

“Yes.”

“I’m out of ideas.”

-

“I wonder if she/he likes me..”

“He/she doesn’t.”

“What if she/he doesn’t?”

“He/she doesn’t.”

-

“We've known each other for a long time, right? You've come to respect me?”

“Sure.”

“Well, get ready to stop.”

-

“You know, it wouldn't kill you to be nice to ** once in a while.”

“We don't know that.”

-

“I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.”

“**, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck.”

“Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not.”

“Well, I mean yeah.”

“So come downstairs while they’re still hot.”

“Wait, you just made them?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.”

“Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time **.”

-

“Who are we fooling, we’re all going to hell anyway.”

-

“*bad joke*”

“And the crowd went home.”

 -

*playing bad music*

“This is fire!”

“Put it out!”

-

*playing bad music.*

“Yoooo! Turn it down!”

-

“Do you or do you not have me saved as ‘**'s puppyboy’ in your phone?”

“…”

“You know, your cloak looks amazing today.”

“Answer the question, ***.”

-

“I wish there was a better way to deal with **.”

“There is, but we’re all too pretty for jail.”

-

“Murder is okay! Sometimes!”

“So long as you kill the persons arresting you.”

-

“Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.”

-

“My heart is just dead right now.”

“Your heart is always dead.”

-

“I was walking around hoping no one would notice and no one did.”

“The moral of the story is… lie.”

-

“What’s 2 + 2?”

“4!”

“8!”

“21!”

“It’s 8! It’s 8!”

“Okay then what’s 10 + 10?”

“46!”

-

“It’s no longer gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. It’s gaslight, gatekeep, guilttrip.”

-

“Last I heard, you were still on the run.”

“Last I heard, you were still a bitch.”

-

***, taping a knife onto a Roomba* “Be free, my child.”

** entering the room with a small cut on his ankle* “Who the f-“

-

*(People) is gathered in the living room for a meeting* 

* *** walks in and sits on **’s lap* 

“…”

“Why are you sitting there?”

“There’s no free seats!”

“But we made sure there was enough room for-“

*hugs ** tightly* “There are no free seats.”

-

*just found out someone they hate has a crush on them.*

“This is scary..”

“What? That a boy/girl likes you or that it’s ***?”

“Both.”

-

“I did a bad thing..” - ***

*next day*

“What did you do?” - *

“One minute I’m trying to remember” - ***

“I do a lot of ‘bad things’ daily” - ***

-

"Don't you know who I am? I'm broke, bitch. Recognize"

-

“The ritual. To preform it requires a sacrifice.”

“Sacrifice? I nominate ***.”

“Wait, what?”

“Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.”

“I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!”

“Its not that kind of of sacrifice!”

-

“Worst she/he say is no.”

*ask for number/flirts*

“Your like a brother/sister to me.”

“We just met-“

-

“I never question my wife/husband’s choices because I am one of them.”

-

“My full name is *** * **** ****** *** (last name).”

“Did ur parents have a stroke while naming u or something?”

“Knowing them, prolly.”

-

“We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.”

“Scrabble? Scrabble’s great.”

“Not when you’re playing with **, it’s not. They put words like ‘ephemeral’ and I put ‘dog.’”

-

“I think we can be evil as a treat.”

“We?”

“We.”

*** I’m the other room* “Oui is French!”

-

“You've got to act tough, ***! Show 'em you can't be pushed around! Show 'em they can't mess with you!”

“Right. Yes. Tough. Got it.”

*** standing up on his stool and slamming his hands down on the bar* “I'LL TAKE A CHOCOLATE MILK.”

-

*after the Squad has been separated for a few years* 

“what have you been up to recently? “

“Leading a revolution with *****.”

“Good for you two! Me, I've joined the mob.”

*nods* “Oh, how cool! That's awesome!”

“I know! Anyway, have you heard from the others? ***?”

“Happily living as a hermit in the woods. **?”

“Wrongfully locked up in an asylum, which reminds me, we need to break him out later. *?”

“Cult leader.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”

-

“He/she took one look at my face and burst out laughing. Who does that?!”

“Best friends actually-“

-

“Oh no! My daughter/son is weird…”

“Your only now learning that?”

-

“Do you know the best way to respond to disagreement?”

“With tears?”

“No.”

*tears up*

-

“i'm going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles.”

“venn”

“probably tomorrow”

-

*breaks down the door to ** and ***’s room*

“GAYS/LESBIANS! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!”

-

“While in a stressful meltdown, his/her boyfriend/girlfriend provides comfort with a bowl of ice cream and words of kindness.”

“Sweetie, you will fail if you keep sitting here.”

-

“Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why.”

-

“This food is too hot... I can't eat it.”

“You’re very hot, and I still eat you.”

*silence*

“YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!”

“One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!”

-

*shows drawing*

“It’s screaming in fear!”

“It’s screaming in fear of someone wanting to keep it alive.”

“I’d be screaming if someone did that to me too.”

-

“Okay, help me, please!”

“Got two words for you.”

“I bet they won't be helpful.”

“Your problem.”

“I was right.”

-

“What do you want to be for Halloween?”

“Respected.”

“Appreciated.”

“At peace.”

“...I was gonna be a cat.” 

-

“You deserve a reward for putting up with me.”

“You are my reward.”

-

“You deserve a reward for putting up with me.”

“True, you can be really difficult at times.”

-

*rolls over in bed and knees *** in the side*

“Ow! you kneed me!”

*sleepily* “Yeah, I do need you….”

-

“Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-“

“You sleep with a teddybear.”

“He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!”

-

“Well, remember when ** made a romantic dinner for me?” 

“***, they microwaved you a pizza.” 

-

“Hey, I took your soul last month and-“ 

“No returns.” 

 *sobbing* “But it's making me sad...” 

-

“Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment?” 

“They're golden retrievers, dude. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.” 

-

“Who are you to demand anything!? I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!” 

“Uh, election in November. Election in November.” 

“What, again?! This stupid country!” 

-

“Yesterday, I overheard ** saying ‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ and **** replying ‘Trust me,’ and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.”

-

“I'm never having a debate with *** again, he/she literally started his/her argument with ‘Riddle me this.’”

-

“Hey, are you free on Friday? Like, around 8PM?”

“Yes?”

“What about you?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Great! Because I’m not. You two go on without me. Enjoy your date.”

“Did he just-“

-

“I have a plan.” 

“Good! As long as we aren’t breaking the law again, I’m open to hearing it.” 

“…” 

“…” 

“I no longer have a plan.” 

-

“The real question is: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not!”

-

“I’m really sorry about that.”

“It’s okay! I like You cause your weird and spontaneous, I never know what to expect from you!”

-

“I gave her/him a knife.”

“So you put all our lives at stack?! For what!”

“He/she gave me a kiss :(“

-

“I gave her/him a knife.”

“So you put all our lives at stack?! For what!”

“He/she gave me (expensive gift) :(“

-

“So your technical a billionaire now, congrats! And can I borrow 20 bucks?”

-

“No I’m gay! I cant!

“No your not, I’m gay. Your five.”

-

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I’d probably be a criminal or something.”

“There’s better ways to make money then stealing it.”

“I said nothing about theft! I just wanna go to jail. And don’t worry it’s gunna be small and simple and harmless.. like arson!”

-

“I have an idea.” 

​“A good idea?” 

​“Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” 

-

“I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.” - ***

“This is a lie.” - *

“I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.” - *

 “THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.” - *

-

“Did you know? There is no escape.”

“Yeah I did know that.”

-

“*** started drink to forget her/his past.”

“It’s highly effective because now he/she can’t remember anything!”

-

“Why is this so much heavier then the other one?”   

“Could it be the weight of my sins?! NOOOoooOoooOOOoo.”    

-

“Okay then. You’ll regret it.” 

“YAY! I LOVE GETTING CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS!!!” 

-

“Where are you going?”  

“To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!”  

“I told you I did! It’s coming here on Friday!”  

*** knowing full well that ** got *** an engagement ring* “Wow, I can’t believe that!” 

-

“What are you doing?” 

“I don’t know. My brain told me to do it and I went ‘okay!’” 

-

“**, I was thinking by the way.” 

“That’s a bad start.” 

“Are we…(something people usually hate)?” 

-

*doing a lecture* 

*** falls asleep* 

“*, wake him up!” 

“Why do I have to wake him up when you put him to sleep?!” 

-

“(Band/choir/restaurant that no one likes because is actually really bad) is the best one!”  

“Are you sure?”  

“Yeah?”  

“Are you SURE?”  

“Yeah!”  

*later*  

“I don’t know if she/he’s commit to the bit or you know…”  

-

“Would you like to join our (choir/restaurant)?” 

“No.” 

“You answered that really quickly-“ 

“NO.” 

*later* 

“Why didn’t you give her/him one of your polite ‘no thank you’s?” 

“No thank you.” 

-

“Sorry guys, won’t be able to help for the next 9 months.” 

“YOU’RE PREGNANT?!” 

“No, I’m in a cast. My brother/sister pushed me off the roof. I broke my leg.” 

“Also he’s male so how does that work?” 

-

“What's worse than a heartbreak?”  

“Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry.”  

-

“There’s Murphy’s Law, they say, and then there’s **’s Law – if something has the potential to go wrong, ** will be there to push it in just the direction to make it happen.” 

-

“Help! They won’t leave.” 

“Ma’am, sir, wha’ver you is, I don ca’e. Get out.” 

-

“*teasing while saying best ways to go on a date with their child/sibling*” 

“***!” 

“Take this as a substitution for a shovel talk. I’m shoving you two together instead.” 

-

*Laughs* “Babe, you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing-“ 

“We’re married.” 

-

“You might not know this, **, but I am a flawed person.”  

“I do know that.” 

-

“Breathe, just breathe.”  

“I’ve done nothing with my life! I’m a failure!”  

“Awww, that never bothered you before.” 

-

“I bet if you look ‘self absorbed’ up in a dictionary, you’d find your picture.” 

“My picture’s in the dictionary? Is it a good one? What am I wearing?” 

-

“We can't lose. Because we have this.” *points to his chest*  

“We have heart?” 

“Heart? No, me. I'm pointing at myself. I'm going to win this for us.” 

-

“What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?” 

*sighs* “I killed a man.”

-

“Are you regarded?”

“Yeah I’m regarded.”

-

“Can you be serious for five minutes?” 

“My record is four, but I think I can do it.” 

-

*telling a story about two friends that they knew*

“for ** and * are both happily married”

“To each other, you can't convince me otherwise”

-

“Okay let’s go-“

*is playing with something they shouldn’t/something breakable* “Put that down.”

-

“You can find practically everything at a junk shop!”

“Except a will to live.”

“That’s expensive to get. How much you paying?”

-

“Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I mean, *** is walking in this room.”

-

“What did you two do?”

“………..”

“You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.”

-

“Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!”

“More like since You eight.”

-

“I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.”

“And that’s not concerning to you?”

-

“**, you’ve done a crime. You’ve done it again.”

“Oh no.”

-

*cocks gun* “Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.”

-

“Hello all, it is I, your favorite person.” 

“Actually, *** is my favourite.” 

“Okay then, it is I, that bitch.” 

-

“If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.”

“I think that was a threat. Send help.”

-

“I love tea!”

“Oh so your British?”

“We’ve been dating for three years. You know this.”

-

“** what's your type?”

“(* their lover).”

“That's sweet.”

“It's also a lie, his type is (hair colour).”

“That's not true!”

“The first person you ever had a crush on was a (hair colour) man.”

(Optional)

“I met * long before I met ****.”

*spews water* “****?!”

“I was talking about ******.”

“I never had a crush on ******!?”

“That's bullshit.”

“Are we gonna talk about the **** thing or... No....? Okay.”

“No it's not!”

“It most definitely is.”

“What?”

“You blushed every time you were around him.”

“I- I did not!”

“Yeah you did.”

“No....?”

“Even the way you talked about him sometimes I could tell you had a crush on him at one point.” 

*flabbergasted* I- I huh? Did I?”

*walks over* Hey ** can you- What did you guys do to him?”

*wide eyed staring at the ground, mumbling incoherently*

“He's having an existential crisis, give him a minute.”

-

“I think-“

“That’s a dangerous thing coming from you.”

-

“(Very different name from their own. Not even a little bit similar)!”

“Have many times I got to tell you my name ain’t (not their name). My name is ***, *** (last name).”

-

“I have a confession to make.”

*gasps*

“I was caught eavesdropping on (day).”

“*tells a fake story to promote something of theirs, like an event or store*.”

“So moral of the story, (stock/tickets for event) are running out.”

-

“Yeah can’t handle loud sounds. My ears are too sensitive.” 

“How do you survive (parties/parades/concerts)?!” 

“I don’t.” 

-

“I really don't want to go.” 

“Stay calm and trust yourself.” 

“Say you're ill.” 

“Pretend to break your leg.” 

“Really break your leg.” 

-

“Ah yes. The mysterious and beautiful *, so demure…” 

“…I wonder what sort of melodic sounds this wonderful being makes?” 

*screaming*

-

“FUCK YOU.”

*raises eyebrow*

“Ew no. Go die in a hole.”

-

“Please, stay out of trouble.” 

“Not my strong suit.” 

-

“Cry me a river so I could drown in it.”

“That’s not what I meant by that.”

“Then what did you mean, huh?”

“What’s happening?”

“*** said I can’t hang out with his dog/cat.”

“My dog/cat’s at the vet.”

-

“Wait so your parent/sibling/friend is the (leader/owner of like some kind of animal), right?” 

“Yeah..” 

“Is that why (animal) keeps attacking me!? I thought he/she/they liked me!” 

“Oh ****..” 

-

“I didn’t miss that social cue, I thought it was stupid.”

-

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

“That's deep.”

“That means that ketchup is a smoothie.”

“That's deeper.”

“...You guys are idiots.”

-

“So, how long have you and * been together?”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. * and I are not together. No. No. 

“Really? Sixteen ‘no’s? Really?”

-

*Finally stands up to abuser/person that hurt them both*

“Babe that was hot.”

“How hot?”

“So hot you should do it every time.”

“I’m working on it…” 

-

* carrying a box* “What would you say if- if I, hypothetically, came home with 7 kittens one day?” 

“….” 

“What’s in the box?”  

“What woul-“  

“**, what’s in the box?”  

“I think you know.”   

-

“You know I can drive.” 

“Drive me Crazy?” 

-

“Hey hey hey!”

“You don’t talk to me like that.”

*does no with finger*

-

“What’s your real name?”

“Chris********.”

“Isn’t that Christ?”

“THATS THE BEST ONE!”

-

“*flirting*”

“I got a man/woman.”

“Small thing. You could have two.”

“Nah he/she loyal.”

-

“God, you’re SO clingy.”

“YOU came into MY bed?!”

-

“Anyone else gave that awkward moment where they have a crush on their wife/husband?”

“No- because I already married them? I had a crush on them since we started dating? Are you okay?”

-

“So, are you two dating now?” 

** and *** “Yes.” 

“Why?”  

“I happen to find ** very appealing.” 

“Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with **.” 

-

*lying down and crying*

“There, there. Why don’t you take some time off to not be around me while you’re like this?”

-

“The difference is that kids are helpfully unhelpful. They will make the job harder. Teens are unhelpfully helpful, also cable of malicious compliance.”

“You told me to unload the dishwasher. Not put it away.”

-

“Ow!”   

“What’s wrong?”    

“I have a weird pain right above my eyebrow. “   

“It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.”   

*sibling that’s four years younger walks in* 

-

“Why are you wearing red?”

“It’s orange!”

“That’s red.”

“*tries explaining why it’s actually dark orange and not red*.”

“And that’s black-“

“At least you know what black is.”

-

“Hello?” 

*** looms over* “Oh your close…”

*looms over more* “Your getting close..”

*looms over even more* “You getting real close-“

-

“I’m going to murder someone.”

“Yay! Murder!”

-

“But his name is **!”

“Anyone named ** is on my hit list.”

-

“He sees you because he had eyes. Not because he likes you.”

“Is that why he kissed me like a bowl of soup yesterday? Cause he has a mouth?”

“A bowl of- what is he a dog?”

“Yeah he doesn’t listen very closely to what you say cause he cares. It’s because he has ears.”

“Is that why he scratching my arm as if he was marking it? Cause he has hands with nails?”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MAN?!”

-

“I’ve been waiting for an hour!”

“What time did you finish?”

“(An hour ago). My (person that picks them up) only comes when my family member/friend finishes.”

“Wow. That’s homophobic.”

-

*sees child walking in looking for someone*

“Hey! Who you for? I’ma theft you!”

-

*pretend hitting friend/family member*

“Don’t hurt him/her! She/he’s fragile..”

“Sometimes.”

-

*makes *** a cup of tea but puts salt in it*  

*** sips tea*  

“…” 

*** finishes tea*  

“Didn't it taste bad?” 

“Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.”  

*tearing up* “Oh, okay.”  

-

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

“You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.”

“MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!”

-

“Recently someone asked me how i put up with him. and the answer is i don’t.”

“**?”

“Of course.”

-

“Look! Can your religion telling explain that?!”

“Can your science explain why it rains?”

“Yes! Yes, it can!”

-

“hey, ***! what if we got a dog?” 

“Huh? we already have a dog. **, remember?”

“What?! Why am I the dog?!”

-

“two bros chilling in a bed, not a millimetre in between cause they’re so gay.”

-

“Stop devoting yourself to a man.”

“Um, excuse me. This is my girlfriend.” *points to man in a dress*

“Yeah. Okay. Fair.”

-

*playing a game but teammate made a mistake*

“When you mess up, I don’t give a fuck. I just continue.”

“WE MAKE NO MISTAKE!”

-

“This Girl is on fire!”

“No really she’s on fire. She’s on fire! Put her put!”

-

“Have you seen this boy/girl?!”

“Not today thankfully!”

-

“Does that dog bite?”

“It don’t got a single teeth in its mouth.”

*shows rows of very sharp teeth*

-

“He/she may be a dumpster fire, but he/she's MY dumpster fire.”

“...This thing must be broken.”

-

“Murder?”

“Yes.”

-

“Question.”

“Answer.”

“Murder?”

“I’d love to do that right now, any kind, especially suicide.”

-

“I'm cold.” 

“Here, take my hoodie.”  

*meanwhile*  

“I'm cold.” 

“I can't control the weather, **.” 

-

“What time did you wake up today?”

*screatch* “Sorry.”

“**, what time did you wake up today?”

“3….pm..But before I moved I use to wake up 5.”

“Wha- what time did you go sleep!?”

“10.”

“10 pm!?”

“Am…”

-

“Heh, and what’s a tiny kid like you even capable of?” *pats head*

“I killed a man.”

“…” *removes hand*

-

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” 

“Sorry, I have to go do literally anything other than this.” 

“You don’t even have a legitimate reason?” 

“Oh, no, I do.” 

“Well, what is it?” 

“You see, I simply don’t give a fuck.” 

-

“Listen up. I’ve got one good reason why you should listen to me, instead of **. Look at what I can do!” *does a one-armed handstand*

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“No, no, she's got a point.”

-

“And that’s why-“

*starts walking away*

“Hey! You get back here!”

*starts walking away then turning back around*

-

*sees that their parent came on time for them*

“WOOOOOO! Yeah!”

“Wait- come here!”

“Oh right-“ *hugs neck tightly* “WOOOO!”

-

“If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.”

-

“When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why *** made me get tested.”

-

“Merry Christmas!”

“IT’S AUGUST!”

-

“I would never kiss a man.”

“You kissed *** and ** in the span of 15 seconds. What do you mean ‘I’ll never kiss a man’?!”

-

“Here’s how to hype up your girl/boyfriend while he/she struggles to learn (their native language).”

“My (language is getting no where. I understand nothing.”

“That’s not true. I will play you a (language) conversation and you will tell me how much you understand.”

*(children cartoon in language)*

*surprise face* “I understand all of it! I understand (language)!”

“It’s a conversation designed for a 6 year old to understand but we don’t have to point that out to her/him.”

-

“Which one of us do you think is gunna die first?”

“I hope it’s me.”

*laughs in drunk* 

“I hope so too!”

-

*watching a conversation between their friend/lover and a god*

“*something bad that happened to the last person*”

“That won’t happen to me right?”

“It better not!”

“I’ve never fought a god before but I’m willing to try everything once!”

-

“No.”

“No what?”

“You can’t kill me. You don’t have my consent to kill me so no.”

“Alright, have a nice day.”

-

“I’m taking away your straightness.”

“Oh no..my straightness…whatever will I do?”

-

“Ugh! The past is in the past!”

“Yeah yeah yeah. And my fist can fit up your ass.”

-

“My pronouns are he/him but my gender is Danger.”

-

*sees friend/lover.*

*hands food.*

*they don’t eat it so puts in mouth and they start eating.*

*realises they are half asleep.* “Wake up!”

“Huh- what- what am I eating?”

“*food*.”

-

“Can I have some water?”

*starts chugging her/his water bottle* 

*chokes from drinking too fast* 

*spills water all over him/herself* 

*coughing* “I don't have any water.”

-

“Hey I’m about to get in the shower. You wanna join me?” 

“There’s a pistol taped underneath the island in the kitchen. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to shoot me. Aim for the head, don’t stop until I’m dead.” 

-

“I’m really glad “fight me” has replaced “sue me” in the common vernacular because I don’t have money, but I do have fists and I am always angry.”  

-

*13th birthday is soon*

“Yes finally! I’m going to be a teenager! I can destroy the world!”

-

*their friends accidentally crossed into magic persons land*

“Did you do something to them?”

“I only revealed their true forms.”

“You turned them into pigs…”

-

“I failed at raising a tamagotchi how the fuck am I supposed to raise a child.”

-

“Do you ever love them so much you’d kill for them, but also want to strangle them sometimes?”

“…”

“Just me?”

*raises hand*

“No ***, put down your hand, your apart of the problem.”

*lowers hand*

-

“Are you straight?”

“Straight from hell.”

-

“Did you know that your sister/brother is a robber?”

“Yeah, she/he stole my life, happiness, and sanity.”

-

“My mother’s my spawn point.”

“Then what’s your dad?”

“World generator.” 

-

“You wanna tell me how this happened?”

“Well, *** thought-“

“Oh man, I wish that (wo)man would stop doing that.”

-

“And you see her/him! He/she did nothing!”

“I did my nails…”

-

“Oh, is that bag new?”

“Yeah, my daughter/son claimed the other one.”

-

“**, you are very hard woman/man to keep track of.”

“It’s called allusive, darling.”

-

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever said?”

“Help. Asking for help isn’t giving up, it’s refusing to give you.”

-

“So your telling me I made a volcano with baking soda and you are trying to take over the world.”

“Yeah.”

-

“Come on **, do it for our friendship. You can't put a price on that...”

“Yes I can, dear. Fifty dollars.”

-

“Hey can I-“

“No, I don’t have time to get you out of jail for the next two weeks.”

“No I was going to-“

“No, *** been on my ass since the last time.”

“No I want to-“

“** hates when you do that. Don’t try.”

“Get ingredients to bake. I want to bake.”

“Yeah I still don’t trust you to do it.”

-

“I want a hamster and you want a baby. What- what is this?”

-

“My mother always said that it’s impossible to mess up chicken wings.” 

“Unless your ** that is.” 

-

“Is murder illegal?” 

“Yes.” 

“Why?” 

“Cause your killing someone.” 

“What if it’s ***?” 

“Uhm-“ 

-

“You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like ‘huh..’” 

“I saw you.”  

“Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of * in a turkey costume.” 

-

“Okay buh bye! Stay stay!”  

“Mhm hm you too.” 

“Off yourself.” 

“Kill yourself.” 

-

“You're making me look bad!”  

“Ok. Number one, you don't need my help to do that.” 

-

“How many hours of sleep have you gotten?” 

“Over what period of time?” 

“…I don’t like that answer.” 

-

“You know, there’s something weird going on with your face?”  

“What?” 

“You’re smiling! I didn’t know you could do that?” 

-

“How much sense you got?”

“Oh I got 50 cents!”

“Not what I mean…”

-

*reading a recipe* “Beat three eggs?”  

“It means like in hand-to-hand combat.”  “Ohhhh-“  

“Both of you get out of this kitchen.”  

-

“*investigating person who has a crush on sibling/parent*”

“If this singing business doesn’t work out, you should be a psychiatrist.”

-

“You know the story on the radio gets crazy when everyone stops talking and the volume gets turned up.”

“(Description of ***) has been found placing bombs on government property.”

“Nah that’s just a regular Thursday.”

-

“You know at first it made me feel ‘what?!’ 😡 but then it made me feel ‘what..?😔.”

“You did not just say those emojis out loud.”

“Well duh! I have to explain how it made me feel very angry face emoji verse sad face emoji.”

-

“For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.” 

“Okay.” 

“If you don't want to die, give me all your money.” 

“Bold of you to assume I have money.” 

“Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.” 

“Bold of you to assume I can die.” 

-

“I would do anything for money.” 

*later*  

*covered in blood* “THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!” 

This is for you Bunny(I KNOW YOU SEE THIS, DONT LIE)

I have been collecting incorrect quotes from IRL, things online or my own self. Have at it. I have to many and I really want to share :D

“You know, I used to think that ** was a bad influence on you.”

*arm stuck in somewhere it shouldn’t be*“Oh?”

“Now I realize that you both influence each other to do equally stupid things.”

“What has the world come to?!”

“Depression.”

“You can't make everyone like you; you're not **.”

“What? Not everyone likes **.”

“Who doesn't like **?!”

“Uh”

***, gripping *'s shoulders with the intensity of a thousand burning suns “Names, *, now. GIVE ME THEIR NAMES”

**(female) struggling to to open something so asks ****(male) to help but **** can’t open it so they ask ***(female) to help and they open it

“See ****, you have to become more feminine”

“What-“

“Cause even with barely any nails or with long nails the girls can open it better then you!”

“What do we say to the universe when we’re having a bad day?”

“How dare you seek to inconvenience me. I have been through things that you can’t fathom.”

“Why does it feel like the world fights me in every turn!?”

“Eat good food, happy thoughts come soon”

“Where is **?!”

“At very time and moment that is illegal to share-“

Honestly doesn’t take much to confuse me. I’m just a simple lad.

“YOU'RE A MONSTER! I'm so proud.”

“WHAT is wrong with you. It is so attractive”

"We're not dating, but we're devoted toeach other, and get jealous if someone hits on the other, but we are just friends"

“i'll cut your throat open, that'll shut you up!"

"you're beautiful...”

“Seems like I touch a nerve”*touches their own broken nerve* “AAAAH-“

"** brought emotional trauma to a knife fight”

“How much longer are we going to wait?”

“Just... give it a few more minutes.”

*  ** continues to forcefully push at a door that says pull on it*

“I just drove thru a rainbow” -*

“am I gay now?” -*

“a gay drive-thru?”-**

“Cheers!”

“To what?”

“To my most beautiful and amazing boyfriend/girlfriend!”

“Huh? What? Do you have another one?”

“By the power invested in me.. gay”

“This is the best financial decision I’ve ever made”

“What colour you want? Red or white?”

“Thats blue and gold.”

“OH- thats a mistake!”

“What colour are the balloons?”

“Red(white), green(gold), purple(blue)”

“I thought you were blind but turns out your blind and colourblind”

(Extra)

“What?”

“I literally just ask what was next.”

“Huh?!”

“Oh so you’re deaf, blind, stupid and colourblind!” 

“Oh i forgot your deaf, blind, stupid and colourblind! What don’t you have?!”

“Colours.”

“**, what don’t you have?”

“Brains?”

“What is this?! Vomit green!?”

“It’s olive..”

“It a mistake, that’s what it is.”

“Are you excited for (school name)?”

“Why would I ever be excited about school?”

“In my defence, I was left unsupervised!”

“I think I’ll die actually. Let’s try it!”

“You have to upgrade from a bystander and become-“

“A bully!”

“What you got there?”

*Very dangerous person behind them* “A smoothie?”

“Ah, yeah, I’ve heard about that! Rates are crazy in the States, right?”

“I’m from Canada.”

“Oh.”

“** you don’t have to talk. I have to talk.”

“If you push me, I can push you back.”

“No. You can’t.”

*in the other room*“Can I come out?”

“You’re gay?!”

“No! I can out like that last year!”

“I am a mosaic of every person I have ever loved”

“You Know other men/woman/gays and didn’t tell me?!”

“So, how did you two meet?"

“...You know, we actually legally can't answer that."

“As a members of the high gay council, he is gay.”

“Shout out to (person), gotta be one of my favourite genders”

“We'll blow up that bridge when we come to it."

"Nothing is getting blown up, **."

"The bridge is!" 

OR

“Not with that attitude”

“Remember guys, pain is just weakness leaving the body”

“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade, make life take them back.”

“Aw, he’s cute and stupid. I’m keeping him.”

“He- he almost killed like half of us with that shit!”

“Shush.”

“Hey ** do you know about the autistic monkeys?”

“Wha- *laughs* N-nO”

“Good.”

*laughs* “that’s so funny, the autistic monkeys”

“I said Arctic Monkeys”

“Oh- *laughs* Y-yEah, I know the band”

“What- I mean monkeys that live in the arctic”

“Oh- we were not on the same page for this entire conversation”

“I DID IT! I MADE HER/HIM CRY!”

“In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you”

“I- thanks?”

“Who needs hygiene when you got cake?”

“Your horrible and I love you”

[aceopmari]

If the Straw Hats Had a Reality Show Dedicated to Pirates Headcanon! Ft: Law!

With how infamous the pirate crew gotten, it was only natural that they were soon granted the rights to have their own reality show, like other famous pirates in the Grand Line and the New World.

Get ready for Keeping Up with the Straw Hats!

Luffy: Whether it was his strength, or his childlike innocence, Luffy was a fan favorite!

He often ignored the producers suggestions to make the show more interesting.

Luffy didn’t like when the producers told him to punch a random person on the street when they were visiting an island.

Was not getting paid, as he owed the producers over 10,000 berris for punching the camera one time in anger, when the director attempted to take his meat away. The director was only making a suggestion for a much healthier diet for the star of the show.

Luffy also skipped out on a lot of confessional sessions. Mainly because he really didn’t have much to hide to begin with. But if he did go, it was mainly to either show appreciation for his crew or to make public declarations:

“Sanji’s cooking the BEST!”

“Do we get free meat with this show?”

“I’m going to kick Mingo’s ass!”

Zoro: The viewers found Zoro amusing! Whether it be him constantly getting lost, or his heated arguments with Sanji. The producers would rush over to him, cameras and all whenever they caught the two together.

Zoro was surprisingly popular with female viewers. They enjoyed watching him sweat whenever he would work out in the crows nest.

Zoro didn’t care about the show really. Just as long as he gets to work out, drink booze, and sleep, he’s good.

The producers always looked forward to his confessionals after he fights with Sanji:

“That damn shitty cook! Just who the hell does he think he is?!”

“That curly brow dumbass is gonna get himself killed one of these days!”

Sanji: Was angry that Zoro was racking in more views from the female viewers than he was!

Why him?! Why not me?!

He kicked the camera man straight in the chin when he told him that Zoro was naturally more popular than he was.

Sanji desperately tried to win over the female viewers by showing off his fighting skills or his culinary expertise.

He was excited when he finally got some fan mail from the fans!

It turned out to be from the okamas though…

If Sanji went to the confessionals, it was usually to cry about why women weren’t interested in him…or to talk shit about Zoro:

“Just what does he have that I don’t on this show?”

“Why aren’t all the beautiful ladies watching me?”

Little did Sanji know, he caught the eyes of Violet and Pudding.

Nami: An absolute slut for the camera! The producers LOVED her!

One couldn’t tell who was using who more. All that mattered was what would bring them more views and more money.

Whenever it was filming time, Nami would purposely wear a bikini without the jeans to draw in the male viewing audience.

Add the extra seductive act she would put on, and nosebleeds would cover millions of transponder snail television screens.

Loved to give tours of the Sunny and show off her designer clothes.

Would parade around the islands, using Momonosuke as an accessory to manipulate the fans into loving her more.

Nami LOVED to take advantage of the fanbase, often subtly asking for gifts mainly money through the fan mail she receives. Next to Robin, she had the most.

Nami became very vain and strict with the crew on how to present themselves for the camera and had to keep members like Luffy in check to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid to cause the show to be cancelled. But just in case, as a backup, she could always start an Only Fans.

One might say that the fame and fortune was getting to her head, as she would purposely start up drama whenever she was out on an island. Would probably steal from a city mayor if it meant she could get the fans taking for weeks.

Whenever she was in the confessionals, it was mainly to complain about Luffy’s or Zoro’s antics.

Would probably shit talk about Robin, although faking it the whole time, to get some drama started:

“Honestly! I wish Luffy would just use some common sense for once!”

“Robin thinks she’s all that! But everyone knows, I’m the prettiest girl on the show!”

“I’ll let you film me in the bath. It’ll cost you 1 million beri!”

Franky: Loved the camera! One sided on the producers part since they didn’t enjoy Franky’s sense of…ahem…style.

He would dance, be loud, or show off his cool body.

If he was in the confessional room, it was to complain openly to the producers on why they did him dirty.

“Hey! I saw last weeks episode! Why did you cut my scene out, bro?!”

Ussop: Although not nearly as popular as Nami, Ussop was interesting enough to get some viewers watching the show, even unintentionally.

Ussop used the show to make himself seem cooler, mainly through the confessionals.

The lies he told caught the attention of viewers worldwide, though very few could sees past his lies.

The producers didn’t care, so long as there were viewers.

“Yes it was I! The Great Captain Ussop who defeated CP9!”

“Wait wait! Cut that out! Cut that scene out! I meant SniperKing!”

Chopper: The Worlds Favorite Cutie Pie!

Choppers looks alone were enough to win the hearts of viewers! Mostly the female reindeer mink.

Combine that with his child like innocence and he’s instantly a popular household name!

On top of that he already has many sponsorships from multiple sweet brands. (Mainly cotton candy ones.)

Choppers pretty shy on camera and often does his usual dance when he’s nervous. The audience eats it up.

He doesn’t gossip. When it comes to confessionals, he’s usually talking about Zoro’s recklessness when it comes to bandages, or Sanji’s nose bleeding habits.

Jimbei: Not particular interested in TV or fame, but used being on TV to his advantage to spread his word and try stop discrimination against fishmen.

The producers found him boring and didn’t look forward to filming him, especially at confessionals…but at the very least, he was able to bring in views due to his former status as a warlord.

Robin: Had many admirers! She enjoyed being on the show. Often is seen on screen on a lavish shopping trip with Nami.

She does her part to make the show more interesting, whether it is be her dark sense of humor or putting her devil fruit powers to good use.

She once used it on a producer when he asked her to do something suggestive for views. After that, the producers never messed with her again, out of fear for their lives.

Not much for confessionals though, except when she’s expressing how amused she is at Luffy’s antics.

She may appeared to be calm and quiet but you better believe that the rumors she would stir up, would get the people talking!

Piers Morgans was having a field day with the headlines:

“Did Cat Burgler Nami Get Breast Implants?!”

“Roronoa Zoro: Honorable Swordsmen or Man Thot?! Gets Caught Sleeping with Wano’s Most Beautiful Woman!”

“Is Monkey D Luffy, Secretly Seeing His Crewmates Sister From the Germa Kingdom?!”

Brook: Fans loved seeing Soul King on screen. In some episodes he’s either playing music or he’s attempting a panty raid in Nani’s room. Which often results in him getting beat up by her every time.

Anything he says in the confessional‘s ends up with his signature laugh.

Law: Made a special guest appearance since starting hiw alliance with Luffy.

You can imagine his look of surprise, when the crew showed up on Punk Hazard with a camera crew and all.

He wasn’t at all interested in being on TV. His famous “I hate bread” made him an instant fan favorite. And meme along the fanbase.

He didn’t like that…

Law hated being followed around by the camera crew on the Thousand Sunny or when he simply just wanted peace. He frequently scolded the producers to stop or told Luffy to call off the cameras, but neither listened.

He only wanted to discuss the alliance plans in private with the crew and didn’t want the producers to catch any of it for the world to see.

As time went on, and Law was getting sucked into the Straw Hat shenanigans. He found himself wandering into the confessional where he would frequently complain about the crew. Mainly the captain.

“Mugiwara-ya will be the death of me…”

“Rorona-ya has no sense of direction…”

“How has the crew survived this long? They don’t ever strategize when it comes to making a plan!”

Viewer Reactions:

Sabo: Enjoys watching his little brother on screen, and always has a good laugh. Koala would often scold him for abandoning his duties to go watch the show.

Hancock: Would briefly abandon her duties as Pirate Empress for the whole day if it meant, she could watch Luffy on screen.

Took up most of his fan mail, and gifts that had meat.

Hancock would be envious of Nami and Robin on her screen, wishing she was their with Luffy.

Mihawk: Reality shows weren’t his usual choice of television entertainment, but he did watch, soley to watch over Zoro’s progress as a swordsmen. He would lie if Perona asked him if he found what he saw the slightest bit amusing.

Ace: He got a kick out watching his little brother on screen. Often laughing at Luffy’s antics. He saw that Luffy’s crew was slowly riding in more views on the reality show The WhiteBeard Pirates had. Ace wasn’t too worried but he knew he had to step it up.

Shanks: Often shaking his head and smiling in amusement at the sight of Luffy on screen. Would sometimes watch the show with Ace as the two spoke fondly of him.

Big Mom: Was furious that Luffy was racking in more views than her crew combined. Everyone used to love Big Mom’s wedding cake special episodes.

“MUGIWARAAAAA!” *Smashes TV*

Garp: Nearly choked on his crackers at the sight of his crazy grandson invading his screen.

“LUFFY NOOOOOO!”

Smoker: If any marine soldier was caught watching, Keeping Up with the Straw Hats, you better believe that he’ll would be raised at HQ. in secret though, he would watch it. Not for entertainment, but more so to study the Straw Hats moves.

Buggy: Screeching out in jealously seeing Straw Hat Luffy was popular enough to be given his own show and not him.

Kid: Was sitting at a bar one night and spat out his drink in anger at the sight of Straw Hat on his screen.

Nearly popped a blood vessel when he saw Law on screen.

“The hell?! Even Trafalgar?! How come those bastards get their own show?!”

Killer remained silent. He knew the reason why the Kid Pirates never picked up the rights to a pirate reality show was because of how scary Kid was.

Dragon: Used the show as a way to keep up with his son. Although in secret, since he didn’t want his army to notice.

Germa 66: Mixed reactions.

“That’s no son of mine.” Judge would say.

Reiju giggled at the sight of the screen. After a mission, she would look forward to watching the show to see her brother.

Ichiji, Niji, and Yonji expressed annoyance and criticized Sanji. Although would never admit that they were each jealous that Sanji got to be on a reality show instead of the Germa Kingdom itself.

Yamato: Wants to be on the show. Not for the fame, but mainly to spread the word and tell the world what a horrible father, Kaido is and spread Oden’s legacy to the world.

[thehuggamugcafe]

Whichever one you think fits best for the prompt! ♥ “You’re so beautiful. I can’t believe you’re mine.”

OOC:Ooh, leaving it up to chance, eh, anon? Haha. Very well! I’ll do mybest to cater to your request! As for everyone else who’s readingthis, please sit back, relax with your favourite beverage, and letthis Mun chill you and thrill you. Enjoy~!

Also, credit goes to the ever amazing @handfulof-roses​  for helping out this lazy Barista with a fair portion of this request/order. So thank you, thank you, thank you for your assistance, Rose! If you guys haven’t checked out her blog yet, please do so!

The day that Arsène Lupin got on one knee, held out a smallvelvet box with a very expensive-looking ring inside in onehand, and gently held your hand in his, asking you to share your lifewith him as his wife was the happiest day of your life.

“My dear rose. You have enraptured me from the moment I metyou. You have done this demon a great service by staying by hisside… Will you continue to do so? Not as my lover, but as my wife?”

You still recalled how your eyes had welled up with tears, nearlyblubbering like a newborn baby as you threw your arms over hisshoulders, clinging to him as you screamed, “Yes, Arsène!”over and over again.

You’d been overjoyed, too overjoyed to see the dark,almost evil smile that curled Arsène’s lips as youcontinued to chant the words “yes!” and “Arsène!”over and over again.

You remembered being on the verge of tears on your wedding day.

You remembered Arsène chuckling as he raised his hands, using histhumbs to wipe away the tears away from your cheeks.

You were pretty sure Arsène briefly slipped his tongue into yourmouth, smiling into the first kiss you both shared as a newlywedcouple, just as the priest announced you both to be husband and wife.

You were certain that you wept heartily as Arsène mesmerized theguests attending the wedding, leading you into your first dance as amarried duo.

You remembered so many wonderful things.

But, overall, more than that…

You remembered being happy.

You remembered being contentwith your life.

You remembered feeling like youlingered in paradise, walled-off from the rest of the world, thinkingthat no hellfire could possibly reachyou and ruin your little slice of heaven.

To you, it was ridiculous. Itcouldn’t possiblyhappen; not to you, of all people.

The thought never once crossed yourmind. No, you refused to believe it.

It was impossible for Hell’sscorching heat to touch you, even if it was in a metaphorical sense.

How foolish you’d been… How idioticyou’d been to not see the invisible shackles clasped around yourwrists, to not see that not only had you all but consented to beingbound to him…

But that hewas the one who clasped them around your wrists to begin with, and hesmiled as he took your freedom away, slowly but surely.

You never took into account thatthe one you should bewary of was the man who asked for your hand in marriage, not once.

In your defence, why would younot trust yournewlywed husband, Arsène Lupin?

He appeared to be quite angelic innature, despite his actual origins.

He radiated an aura of compassion,love, and understanding.

He was nothing but a kind, dutifulhusband, a gentleman who was always at the top of his game.

Yes, his smile was reminiscent of anethereal being, whispering sweet words of honeyed affection into yourears whenever he held you in his arms.

“I love you, my dear rose.”

“I have never seen one myself, but… I am sure that I canthank a God, or Gods, for blessing me with good fortune.”

“For I have never known true happiness until I met you.”

“I will do whatever ittakes to ensure that no one disrupts my peaceful days with you.”

If only you took into accountjust how serious, how sincerehe’d been at the time.

He was smiling, always smiling at you.

Yes, for he held your heart—no,your very soul itseemed—in the palms of his hands.

However…

His ruby red gaze never once strayed from you.

His firebrand irises never looked away from you.

Sometimes, he’d hold you a bit tootightly, a bit toopossessively.

Sometimes, his worry for your safety went far beyond theboundaries of what people would call “normal.”

Your husband, Arsène Lupin, was theone who held the key to your restricted freedom, both metaphoricallyand realistically speaking.

Everything changed after your two-weekhoneymoon.

Everything happened slowly, gradually,set to a snail’s pace, but…

Suddenly, he became suspicious ofmen you’d known for years.

“Who was that man you were talking to, dear?”

“Oh, he’s just a friend of mine, Arsène. We went to middleschool together.”

“I see.”

“Mm-hm. He asked me out at work. There’s a restaurant hewants to go to, so we can catch up.”

“…He asked you out?”

“As friends, of course. I haven’t gotten back to him aboutaccepting his offer yet, though.”

You’d never get the chance totake your friend—your decidedly malefriend—up on his offer at a dinner date, a date strictly between friends. A few hours out onthe town, talking, laughing, reminiscing about your school days,asking questions about how you were and such…

Gone.

A golden opportunity to catch up withan old friend… wasted.

It was a choice you’d never get to make,whether you accepted, politely declined his offer, or took him up onhis request to dinner another time.

It was seven days later that yourfriend was found on the river bank, approximately 5 miles from whereyou and Arsène lived.

Or rather, what was left of yourfriend.

When the police had found him, hisremains had been picked over by the local wildlife, scattered acrossthe river bank. According to the rumour-mongers who lived around yourarea, and the hisses of gossip from the housewives in yourneighbourhood, some parts had been found floating on the water’sdark, crystalline surface, and others were simply strewed throughoutthe deep thicket of the forest.

When the discovery of a body, yourfriend’s body, had been located, for a whole straight week,his death had been on the front of every newspaper. His disappearanceand murder was the top news story on the six o’clock news on everystation; indeed, even radio talk show hosts couldn’t helpthemselves from tossing out possible theories related to yourfriend’s disappearance. Indeed, your friend’s grisly demise wasthe hefty source of hissed whispers of gossip, and a majornoteworthy item of theories run through the rumour mill throughoutthe city.

Needless to say, you took your friend’suntimely demise, his murder, quite hard.

Tear stained cheeks were a newaccessory to your assortment of differing shades of black, thefuneral being the only thing that caused you to leave your home asyou struggled to accept the grim reality that had washed upon youlike a tidal wave.

You felt that you were responsible, an accomplice of somesort to the sickening story that was playing in front of you, thatyou, ultimately, were the cause of the man’s demise who had donenothing but be kind to you from the start.

And that made your stomach churn even thinking about thepossibility.

You mentioned it as a possibility to Arsène, hoping it wouldease the weight that was on your shoulders, the wedding ring glintingunder the lights of the shared living room.

“Why would you think that, my love? You were nothing butsupportive to him, and it’s… tragic that it ended up likethis.”

You almost didn’t notice the underlying threat in his voice.

Almost.

“It’s nothing really. I just wanted to talk about it, get itoff my chest so that I would feel better.”

That wasn’t a lie per say, but something on the edge, itbalancing between light and dark on a thread stretched thin, so thinit was almost snapping and nearly invisible to the eye.

His hand wrapped around yours, squeezing it tightly as he watcheda smile grace your lips, a smile that was clearly fake but he decidednot to question at the moment, instead him bringing his lips to yoursin a scorching manner, jealousy staining the kiss that left a bittertaste on your tongue.

“Of course my dear, I’m here if you need anything. I am yoursafter all.”

And you are mine, even if you don’t believe it at times.

Tongues danced together after the phrase was spoken, clothesdiscarded to make way for a night of euphoria and bliss that wouldleave you reeling, no, begging for more.

He loved seeing you like this.

When you were red faced and glassy eyed, his name and othersounds spilling from your lips, marks left all over your body by himand him only, a smirk on his face as he watched you cover them upin the morning.

You were his, and that’s all you would ever be.

Mornings became mundane, stuck on permanent repeat from that point on.

You sat at the kitchen table according to schedule, your tired eyes ogling the television screen as Arsèneall but lorded over the stove. The scent of bacon and eggs wafted through the sunlit kitchen as a concoction of sizzles and pops came from the frying pan, and three slices of toast popped from the toaster. Soon, the water in the kettle bubbled as a distinct click came as the kettle’s mechanism shut off, a sign that the water it contained was piping hot and ready to be poured at a moment’s notice.

You were in the throes of nodding off at the table when a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast was set in front of you, and after that a cup of your favourite beverage was set before you as well.

“Here you are, my dear. Just as you like it,” Arsènesaid, stooping down to press a kiss to your cheek.

You stiffened as he looped an arm over your shoulders, bringing you closer to him, but if he noticed it, he didn’t say anything. However, his red irises glinted when you didn’t say anything.

“Darling, when someone does something for you… What do you say?”

Darkness. There was darkness in his voice. His voice that oozed an abysmal tone, hissing shadows as he smiled pleasantly at you.

You swallowed before your mouth opened, a response at the ready.

“T-Thank you, sweetheart.”

Oh, how it pained you to speak words of thanks, words of meaningless gratitude to him… You knew what he’d done to your friend, you knew what he’d been doing after what happened to your friend, and yet you kept silent. 

You’d be lying if you said that you didn’t fear for your life, but…

It was the fear of his unpredictable nature that overpowered the uncertainty of whether or not you’d live, if you breathed a whisper of what you knew. You had no honest clue what he’d do if you went to the police, if you dared to say anything about it to anyone, so you kept your mouth shut.

A soft chuckle snapped you out of your barely-aware stupor. Arsène’s chuckle.

“There’s my lovely, dutiful wife… If anyone else were to be called “sweetheart” by you… Things could become quite troublesome, couldn’t they?”

“Y-Yes, honey.” Your response was quick, thoughtless, but you were truthful.

Things could indeed become troublesome if a man became too close to you. Any man who wasn’t your husband, ArsèneLupin.

“In other news, local authorities were notified of another body by the river bank early this morning. This is the latest development in the string of on-going murders. Police are looking into the possibility of a serial killer and…”

Despite the sun pouring into the kitchen, you felt as though all source of light had been sucked out of your life.

Despite your husband peppering your face with soft, affectionate kisses, you felt hollow, empty, soulless.

Despite the honeyed, sugarcoated words he cooed into your ear as he stroked your hair, a content smile pulling his lips apart to show a teasing hint of pearly whites, you felt disgusting, dirty, and defiled.

“You’re so beautiful,” Arsène muttered, his fingers holding your chin as he tilted your face up so that your gaze met his crimson leer.

“I can’t believe you’re mine, my dear rose.”

The last thin tendon of your dwindling sanity was snipped by a pair of invisible scissors, and you felt the cold shackles adorning your wrists grow tight as you felt a similar pair of icy steel clamp around your ankles.

This is Hell. I’m in Hell. I’ve been in Hell all along, haven’t I? I have a jealous devil for a husband.

[cyb-by-lang]

OSF AU - “On the World Stage” (Extended Trailer)

So there is a slightly longer section for this, where editing is a bit choppy. But here you go anyway, for now. :p

Marineford was a nice place. Large, dignified, polished…brimming with eager soldiers of all ranks and plenty of guns pointed toward the sea. Battleships bristled with cannons and the sound of human activity carried along the wind and up through the island’s structure. The sea breeze on the edge of the Tarai Current was refreshing, particularly after days of travel to reach this particular, fortified spot. The base buzzed with nervous energy as the garrison prepared for a war that could shake the very foundations of the world. Almost literally, when one accounted for the possible presence of a master of the Gura Gura no Mi. The Marines were ready. The war would not find them wanting.

It had every quality Kei could hope for in a big, fat target. It even had a beautiful clock tower that she would be overjoyed to see used as Matatabi’s newest toy.

Three o'clock approached, and with it Ace’s scheduled execution.

“Any word from Han or Kokuō?” Utakata asked Yugito, as the only member of the team who hadn’t met either of them in person. Not yet, anyway.

Below, the soldiers arrayed themselves in a defensive formation. Facing the sea. Giants in front, skilled Marine captains filling out the ranks. Three admirals, five Warlords out of a theoretical seven, hundreds of fodder Marines and various flunkies that’d last four seconds in a fight, and a whole complex of people who couldn’t spot a genjutsu if their lives depended on it. Reporters, too, with visual transponder snails. Because of course this was going to be a show.

Oh, they’d get a show. Just not the one they were planning on.

“Not yet,” Yugito replied, watching the army move as though they were ants.

Because it was an army the four of them would be facing. Command structures, machines of war, impossibly dangerous individual powerhouses… Really, it was an admirable setup. The Marines were in the center of their power, and Whitebeard would not be. This tens-of-thousands-strong force might be able to hold off the Emperor that was undoubtedly heading right for the killzone if they managed to keep all of their advantages. Numbers among them.

The Marines still should have brought more men.

As she turned her head, Yugito brought a hand to the side of her throat, where a communication seal made a very fancy choker for instant communication without Tailed Beast intermediaries. The system Kei had worked out wasn’t perfect, and the earpieces were a little soft, but it was amazing what a little input from a Lightning Release user could do for inspiration. As long as she used Yugito’s chakra in the Lightning seal aspect, Kei could get the four seals to talk to each other. It’d be a mess once more jinchūriki joined the fray—and doubly so for when the Tailed Beasts cut loose—but for now Team Jinchūriki were all connected.

Still, it didn’t hurt to check in with those who couldn’t wear the fashionable new accessory.

In position yet? Kei asked Isobu.

Almost. Ten minutes more.

She drummed her fingers on the edge of the roof, impatiently counting down the minutes until showtime. Gonna let Saiken and Matatabi have all the fun until then? Not to mention Yang Kurama...

Hardly. I expect to draw vicarious enjoyment from what you do before you call the others in. Perhaps you’ll even go past V1.

Kei made a barely-audible neutral noise. We’ll see.

“When do you want me to move, Kei-sensei?” Naruto asked from next to my left elbow.

“As soon as Whitebeard appears, get to his ship,” Kei said, resting her head on her upturned palm. “You’ll be helping us coordinate with him.”

“And I’ll be out of the way,” Naruto complained, but not seriously. While he was young, he did have a decent grasp of the weight of being a soldier. His parents wouldn’t have allowed him out of the house without a thorough education. As he bounced his knee and the newly-stolen and newly-named Akamushi bobbed along, Kei knew the argument was already over.

“If you were really ‘out of the way,’ you’d be in Yang Kurama’s stomach,” Yugito told him, shaking her head slowly.

Naruto scoffed. Peering over the edge of the roof, he scowled. “That’s him, then? The big head honcho of all of this?”

“If you mean the man with a seagull on his hat, yes,” Utakata said, trying his best to glare a hole through the back of Sengoku’s head while looking through a spyglass. Without a word, he passed it to Naruto and returned his attention to the coral bubble wand Kei had grown for him.

Kei’s Coral Palm technique was better for large, sharp objects that she could see imperfections in if she wanted to correct them. It was why she had a coral sword strapped to one hip and Vista’s contribution in the sheath. But for Utakata, Kei had managed something considerably more useful for his soap bubble ninjutsu—a bubble wand the size of a quarterstaff, topped with a head in the shape of a carnation bloom.

“It doesn’t matter how big it is,” Utakata had said while Kei was molding the weapon. “I learned staff fighting from Yagura.”

It was a touchy subject for both of them, but Yagura was ten years dead and his plots were finished. On the other hand, Akainu was alive and in dire need of a face-rearranging session, so they could put their differences aside and concentrate on someone else he hated more.

The snail on Naruto’s leg opened its eyes and said in a deep voice, “Men, I have something critical to tell you all…”

Speaking of.

“Something about the true meaning of Portgas D. Ace meeting his end here today.”

“Is he gloating?” Yugito hissed, her nails sharpening to points over her pant leg. Though Naruto rested a hand against her arm to try and soothe her, Kei felt everyone’s hackles rise. Yugito was just the most obvious.

“Shh,” Kei reminded them, though they were still sheltered under Matatabi’s heat-based genjutsu as well as Isobu’s water one. The four jinchūriki didn’t want to give the Marines any hint of their presence until they were ready to put an end to everything.

“Ace.” Sengoku’s voice still made Kei’s teeth grind, but she could deal with it. She had to. “Tell me the name of your father.”

What?

Kei blinked, trying to process the outrageousness of the demand. What did it matter who Ace’s father was? Ace was a world-class criminal on his own, or so his bounty proclaimed. That alone earned a public execution.

But across from her, Yugito’s eyes had gone gold and green, with each pupil vanishing under the glow. Likewise, Matatabi’s low growl seemed to echo through our little genjutsu camouflage. Utakata hadn’t pushed his hair back, but his eyes were twin pinpricks of red light. His chakra alone was a maelstrom, bubbling to match Saiken’s out in the bay.

“My father?” Ace’s voice asked, in a tone that was disdainful at best. “At a time like this…”

Kei closed her eyes as Naruto squeezed her hand. At least he was still talking. He was alive. But this…

“My father,” Ace said slowly, taking a shallow breath, “is Whitebeard.”

“He is not!”

Sengoku can fuck right off, Kei thought. Right off a goddamn cliff.

“Yes, he is! Whitebeard is my only father!” Ace snarled back, as loud as he could. “I have no father!”

Naruto’s grip tightened around Kei’s fingers as her eyes itched, settling Isobu’s eye color and pattern over hers. Over the gold that already overrode her ordinary black, even, as the implication sank in.

This execution wasn’t business or justice. This was politics.

Sengoku’s exposition voice washed over the four jinchūriki on that rooftop, droning on and on. Without a scrap of audible conscience, he spoke at length of child hunts and a worldwide crusade to find one man’s unborn child and whatever woman had been unlucky enough to bed a wanted man. Even after his death. Hell, from the sound of it, the Marines had only dared to begin the search after the father was out of the picture.

When Kei looked up, Utakata’s expression alone said he wanted nothing more than to reach through the snail and tear Sengoku’s tongue out of his mouth.

“...Your mother’s name was Portgas D. Rouge!” Sengoku continued, building volume as he came to the meat of it. The reason he’d put on a performance like this. “She performed a feat that we could never have hoped to imagine. And out of devotion to her child, bore him in her womb for a full twenty months!”

Naruto practically burrowed into Kei’s side as he looped his arms around her ribs and squeezed, though Kei leaked Isobu’s chakra like a nuclear waste spill. As a fellow jinchūriki, he would be fine. But as a child, he didn’t need to hear this and Kei hated that he would have to. For the sake of burning this place to the fucking bedrock.

No loose ends.

“And when the birth finally came, her strength all but spent,” Seagull Head’s voice went on, spewing from Akamushi’s mouth like bile, “she left the world as you entered it. One year and three months after the father’s death, a child was born bearing the most accursed blood in the world. That child is you!”

“This guy’s a monster,” Naruto said softly, staring at the snail in naked horror. “Just… How can they say things like that? Kids don’t choose their parents!”

“I know, Naruto,” Kei whispered, holding herself still as best she could while shaking with suppressed rage. Not yet, not yet…

“The old man goes on the list,” Utakata said in a low, deadly tone. His chakra boiled inside his coils. “He’s not walking out of here alive any more than Akainu is.”

Yugito pressed her lips together hard enough that they seemed to turn white as blood left them. Then, “As another ‘cursed child’—as a jinchūriki—I say we burn them all. But the admirals are a good start.”

“Your father is none other than,” Sengoku’s voice said in a voice that rang with utter truth, “the Pirate King, Gold Roger!”

Kei took a deep breath, staring directly at the little red snail mimicking Sengoku’s expression.

So this was the secret that had been hanging around Ace’s neck like an anchor. It explained why he had been so reluctant to talk about his past, especially if this was how people on this thrice-cursed ocean reacted to sharing blood with the wrong person. He obviously empathized with jinchūriki, even though their average upbringing had a better-than-even chance of resulting in something terrible. And just before Kei, Yugito, and Ace went to confront Teach, just after saving Utakata’s life, Ace had almost said something. Kei had to wonder if this was what he’d meant to confess back then.

Sengoku appeared firm in his beliefs. Justified. Confident.

Kei’s fingers itched with the need to push their plan into motion and revel in all the destruction that would entail. To render the Marines into as many itty-bitty pieces as they had done to victims of a Buster Call time and time again.

But not just yet.

“Saiken just spotted pirate ships,” Utakata interrupted quietly. When Kei looked at him for a further explanation, his eyes were shut. “Forty-three in the fog bank. Three below, in bubbles.”

That was probably as close to a cue as they would get.

“Naruto, head to the bay,” Kei ordered, but her voice remained level. “Yugito, go with him.”

Yugito raised an eyebrow.

“Naruto can’t use genjutsu as well as you can. Get him there safely and hurry back,” Kei clarified. As the two of them took off at a blistering speed to make V2 cloak jinchūriki everywhere proud, she said to Utakata, “I can sense four more chakra signatures heading this way.”

“Chōmei and Shukaku?” Utakata asked, cracking one eye open. His iris still glowed with red light.

“And their partners,” Kei confirmed.

They had only planned on two people showing up besides the Whitebeards, at least of the list of candidates that were worth calling to this soon-to-be hell. Four, however, was even better.

At the beginning of this journey, Kei couldn’t have imagined that they—Yugito, Utakata, and her—would end up at the same spot and on the same side of the impending conflict. Kumo, Kiri, and Konoha shinobi all pointed at a mutual enemy? Impossible, she would’ve said, unless the enemy was Uchiha Madara and thus in possession of a reputation somewhere south of “Satan made flesh.” No one and nothing could force the villages to cooperate otherwise.

But Kei and the others weren’t their villages. They were jinchūriki. People who may not have been born with cursed blood, but often lived cursed lives. People like them had to stick together in a world that would gladly rip them to pieces.

As the three huge ships with whale figureheads exploded out of the water in Marineford’s semicircular bay, Matatabi and Saiken’s chakra flared for a split second. They’d seen the ships pass and would soon want to know who and what they would be encouraged to kill in order to facilitate the mission’s success. Since Saiken had seen a mechanism in the bottom of the bay that looked rather suspicious, that was his first port of call. Matatabi’s would be the Marine ships floating here and there, like sitting ducks. They were under no obligation to play fair, and would probably only make a token effort to avoid casualties on the Whitebeards’ side, but…

Kei smiled without a hint of mirth.

The party was about to start.